Quick Takes: More Medical Maladies 3x Fast

The days go slow, but the weeks go fast...it's time for quick takes, folks.

1. I always have a little bit of a whaaaaaaat moment when I look at my blog stats the day after the one and only Jennifer Fulwiler links to me.  And then I take a good long look at my blog from a new visitor's perspective and realize I haven't updated my "About Me" page in a super long time.  Here's the update: My kids are now 1 year older and we are still living in a 1,082 square foot apt in the burbs of Baltimore.  We live over the leasing office of our apartment building and I do believe they all may shed tears of joy when we leave.

Do these look like the faces of children who would tap dance on the tile floors
or throw my acorn squashes around like very heavy footballs?  Good.

But seriously, I'll update that page some time.  Probably.

2. Because I just can't let a quick takes go by without discussing some medical malady - and FAIR WARNING, if blood makes you queasy, turn back now - a few weeks ago I was getting my blood drawn, and the phlebotomist took a look at the vile after she was done and asked me "Do you have a high fat diet?"

A what now?  A diet where you specifically plan to eat all sorts of delicious fatty foods?  Is that even a thing??  My eyes glazed over a bit and my brain started conjuring up meal planning pages that looked something like:

Breakfast: Donuts and Bacon
Lunch: Hot dogs and nachos dripping with cheese sauce
Dinner: Cheeseburger and gravy fries
Dessert: Twinkies

I snapped back to reality when she added "I can see little bits of fat floating around in your blood".

I'm not really even sure how to continue this story right now.  I wish I could find a gif of someone prancing around doing a shivery YEEECGHHHH dance.

Any takers on this one?  Please assure me this is normal and my arteries aren't clogging as we speak?  (By the way, I have an upcoming full panel of bloodwork that includes my cholesterol :) )

I'll try to remember to add "hypochondriac" to that bio page.

3. I had a killer headache today and probably in honor of Blythe's "hot mess Thursdays" we WERE a total hot mess and so I didn't get very far writing anything today and now it's 11pm and I should really go to bed so I can be up for Gewand family roll call at 5am. So to keep things moving, here's a pictorial summary of today:

This is why we can't have nice things.

Ava picked his outfit, and managed to find the only 2 clashers in his decidedly mix and max wardrobe.

The table after lunch.  It's hard to tell, but that doll is sitting in a plate of an unidentified semi-clear liquid.

Not pictured: the tube of antifungal ointment that Clare stepped on which sprayed out all over her foot and the floor and was then tracked all around my bedroom.

4. Ridiculous proud mom moment for the week: Clare spontaneously writing "I LAV U AVA" without prompting or assistance:

5. And a picture Ava drew for me this week.  I was relieved to confirm she drew "puffy sleeves" on us.

She's an up and coming Anne with an E.

6. Emeric's mop is really starting to remind me of Mr. Bingley

7. And let's finish up with something awesome:



Go see Jen for more!

What They Said!

I'm linking up with Rosie today for What They Said - and disclaimer: these have been sitting in a blogger draft for a good 6-9 months... :)

Ava: Hey mom, how do you plant a tree?
Me: Oh that's a great question.  We can plant a tree together when we get a new house, ok? And then you can see how it's done.
Ava: Ok.  I want to plant a steak tree.
Me: ...like...meat on a tree?
Ava: Yep.
That's my girl.

Me: Ava, when we get into the building you need to use the potty quickly because class is about to start.

Ava: OK. I can make my pee pee come out SO FAST. You can't even believe how fast I can make my pee pee come out. Daddy can make his pee pee come out really fast too. He told me 7 months ago.

That is...oddly specific.
(Update: For the sake of Stephen's street cred, I have confirmed that this conversation never actually happened ;) )

Ava: Can presidents be girls?

Me: Of course! Are you going to be the first female president, Ava?

Ava: No. Actually, I'm going to make a tent and invite my friends over and we can eat (whispers) tea and cupcakes!!!!
Honestly, I think that's a much better idea.

She would make a pretty awesome president, though.

Stephen: Ava, when you grow up you are going to take over the world and I am going to help you.  When someone asks you what you are going to be when you grow up, say "I'm going to rule the world!"  Let's practice.  What are you going to do when you grow up?

Ava: Kill jellyfish

Stephen: No you're going to rule the world.  Let's try again.  What are you going to be when you grow up?

Ava: A dolphin.  Jellyfish suck peoples bloooooood out!
I think this is just another classic tale of the eldest child who doesn't want to inherit the family business.

Ava: Hey mom, I want my meatballs hotter.

Me: If I make them any hotter, they will burn you.

Ava: Oh yeah, like when I was 3 and you made that chicken noodle soup that could burn someone's face off.
Yep, just like that time...wait, what?

Clare: Daddy, could I please have some orange juice?
Stephen: Sorry, we don't have any.
Clare: Could I have a Shirley Temple?
Stephen: I don't have anything to make a Shirley Temple either. What can I get for you instead?
Clare: I don't know, booze??!
Still in her "booze is the funniest word ever" phase...

-Ava was spreading peanut butter on a roll for Clare...
Clare: I can't eat that, my brain will turn into gelatin!!
Ava: No it won't, Clare.  It's protein.  Peanut butter is protein.
Where do even learn these things?

Clare, showing up at our door early one morning: Mom, I have a problem!

Me: What's the problem?

Clare: I don't want Ava to look at my face!

First. World. Problem.

Go see Rosie for more hilarious twin talk - I love her kids!!!

Quick Takes - Diseases and #SOTG photo shoot outtakes

1. Nailing these quick takes 2 weeks in a row!  I had all sorts of good intentions to write other things this week and not just quick takes, but I caught a cold - a COLD - at the end of May.  And every time I catch a cold, I ponder why the name of this ailment is tossed around like such a trivial thing..."Oh yeah, I just caught a little cold."  I could have the worst stomach flu and all I'd be thinking is "Ughhh I can't wait until this is over." but a cold?  A cold has me thinking "I feel like I got hit by a train.  I might be dying."  (Maybe I got hit by the overly dramatic train...yep, I definitely did.)

I'm one sick hipster.  I was drinking OJ without flavor packets
before it was cool to drink OJ without flavor packets.

2. Speaking of ailments that should be renamed, let's talk about RINGWORM.  Somebody please tell me why they gave this such a horribly creepy name.  Ava had this mystery rash for close to 2 weeks before I finally got her in to the doctor, and before I knew it was ringworm I was still doing things like shared bath time including towels that regularly get reused and swapped during the week between the girls.  And now?  I'm amassing burn bags of clothing and buying stock in Clorox.  Anyone else ever deal with this?  Nobody else in the house has showed any signs of it and I'm hoping against all hope that it's not nearly as contagious as they say it is.

3. I probably shouldn't admit this before Jen chooses winners, since we might be being graded on effort, but I'll let you in on the real story of the #SOTG selfie.  The walls were already gone to heck - covered in paint from an art project several months ago, random food smeared on them from being used as a napkin, and from little girls forgetting themselves and "accidentally letting their crayon slip up onto the wall" while they were sitting with their coloring pages at the table.  The walls are repainted as standard procedure in between tenants, but they had gotten to the point that it would actually be embarrassing to leave it as is...so we were going to do at least a quick cover layer before we moved out anyway.  (Future landlords, take note! We might make a big mess, but we always clean it up again! Kinda like..the Cat in the Hat.)  I pushed the table out of the way, handed the kids a pile of chalk and a roll of toilet paper, and told them to have fun.  Ava is still so confused about "Why did mommy let us be naughty that one day??"

These strange hieroglyphics keep appearing in the girls bedroom...

4. And some outtakes...

The Gewand Family Singers album cover

5. THE BEST NEWS EVER - I have finally fulfilled a dream that has been stirring in me since Christmas of 1992 when I received a copy of The Guinness Book of World Records as a present under the tree.

That's right - I BROKE A RECORD.  With the help of Emeric's buns and a lot of other people.  But a record is a record, people.

Where's Waldo?
Thank you to Jennifer K Photography for the photo!

Now for the difficult part - restraining myself from shelling out $25 for a certificate that I would most definitely hang in a prominent and obnoxious location in the house.  Forget the diploma, I BROKE A WORLD RECORD!!!!!*

*With 8458 other people and my child's rear end.

6. I was blown away after my post last week - I was honestly expecting everyone to see my post pop up in their feeds and say "Wait...who is this again??"  Thank you all SO MUCH for the welcome back - you all are awesome I am SO EXCITED to be blogging again and to catch up with everyone.  This blogging community is THE BEST.

7. And on that note - I was lame and didn't get to responding inline to all you  "no-reply" bloggers...so if you didn't get a response from me, I'm sorry!!- And pleeeeease update your email address!!  (That link will give you a tutorial - thank you to  Kendra...and FYI I'm also working on switching my comment system to something different and better...stay tuned...)

That's all, folks!  Go see Jen for more!

Quick Takes. That's right, Quick Takes.

1. So...I am inexplicably writing quick takes after approximately 9 months of blog silence for no other reason than it is Friday.  And on Friday, we write Quick Takes.  (You know, except for the last 36 of them.)

2.  Let's get to the important stuff.  I'm assuming that most of you fine readers are familiar with Jen Fulwiler's new book Something Other Than God which is the fantastic story of her epic journey to Catholicism.  I mean, I think it's probably fantastic, but I haven't read it yet, despite receiving it in a timely manner on May 1, due to the fact that it was released on the day my hold for The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World ended at the library and I've only been waiting for it for like 4 months and I can't renew it because there is a waiting list and it's like 850 pages and if I don't read it all now I have to get to the end of the line and start over.  But like I said, I'm sure it is FANTASTIC.

3. Jen is having a fun little competition for the most epic selfie taken with her book, and despite the fact that I think Kelly's "I don't always read books..." selfie will definitely look best on Jen's shirt, I just can't pass up a competitive opportunity.  It must be some sort of weird ENFJ thing.

So there I was, just reading my book peacefully...and then I turned around.

4. And now for something completely unrelated, like how I probably missed my calling as an ENT specialist.  I have a bizarre obsession with ear canals in particular and my hypochondriac husband (we really are the perfect pair) indulged me in this little treat for mother's day:

I love it a disturbing amount.

5. We also have a pulse oximeter. Is that weird?

6. Sometimes medical gizmos like pulse oximeters come in handy when fainting goat disease run in your family.  On Wednesday, Clare scraped some skin off of the top of her foot on our bathroom stool.  Clare generally fears nothing, which is often to her detriment - but her kryptonite is the dreaded brush burn.  The first time she scraped her elbow falling in the parking lot, she refused to even look at it for the 2 weeks it took to heal.  She will literally run headlong into the corner of our silestone kitchen countertop, only to hop up and announce "at least I didn't get a brush burn!!" before continuing on her merry way. For whatever reason, brush burns freak her the heck out. So as I was cleaning her foot wound, she suddenly quieted her screams and I looked up and noticed her shaking profusely and starting to slump over - ding ding ding, I know this look.  I grabbed her and tipped her back in my arms and her lips were white and the skin all around her eyes was grey.  She was limp and her eyes were shut. And even though I know that this is the curse of all the females in my family, I of course I started slapping her cheeks and yelling "STAY WITH ME, CLARE!! STAY WITH ME!!" all dramatically like they do in the movies.  She never fully lost consciousness, but gahhhhhhhh. Gahhhhhhh. We've already established I don't handle these kind of moments under pressure very well.  Brush burns, man.  Who knew?

7. My awesome sister is selling really awesome posters on Etsy.  Check them out, especially if you have a dancer or history buff that you need to buy a present for!

TGIF!!!  Now go check out Jen for more Quick Takes.......

Note: This post contains Amazon Affiliate links because Rosie makes it look like so much fun. Apparently I can get a small percentage if you happen to buy a product through my links.  You know you want that book.  Or better yet, an EAR PROBE. ;)